Exhausted, yet Excited

I am exhausted. I have yet another stomach bug. School is still not done, and I am behind again. I am supposed to be someone's matron-of-honor, but I don't even have time to be a good friend. I miss my husband. I feel like I never see him anymore. I am aiming at being friends with two people I swore I'd never be friends with again. Why? Because they begged me. Now the one I thought would anger me has hugged me and the one that once hugged me has angered me. Fucking men in all their fucking ways. All of them. All of you! Seriously. I will be eligible for my degree in two weeks. I will not receive it for about 8 weeks. I am so tired, but of course, I cannot sleep. On the upside: life might not suck like I generally assume it does. I mean, yes, it sucks, but I'm starting to feel something resembling a purpose to all of this...this....ridiculousness. These seemingly random oddities of humanity.
On the news this morning I saw that a Japanese man who had been adopted as a child won and Olympic medal. What is amazing is that his biological parents, who had no idea what had happened to their beloved baby that they had no choice but to give up, saw this on tv. Now they are reunited. Tell me that's not odd. Tell me that is random. Lies. It is fantastic and it was completely on purpose.
So while people confuse the biznitch out of me....I am learning. I am learning that I just need to be satisfied with who I am. And I am pretty cool. I know this because I have a multitude of friends who are amazing. They call me their best friends. They call me their sunshine. They call me and say they miss me. How great is that? How great am I? Pretty freaking great, that's how. Yeah me!

The Task

The Task
By: Vanessa L. Convard
January 13, 2005

Outside the doors thunder rocked and lighting streaked. My focused world was silent. Cascading waterfalls splashed down my windows giving off an eerie mirror effect. At moments I would catch a glimpse of movement just beyond my narrow vision. Adrenaline would throb through my veins for an instant, until I would look up and see only my own harrowed face.It was about one o'clock in the morning. I think. I'm not sure when I had last come across a clock. There wasn't a spell to waste. My stomach whispered its anger of my neglect and my tongue stuck to my gritted teeth. What did I care? I had work to do.
The demanding task had captured my attention earlier in the evening. At the time my intentions were simple: I would complete just the basics. Then curl under the covers and retire for the night. Hours later, my teeth un-brushed, mascara smearing, I continued staring at my foe. It would not back down. It had me seized; we both knew I had no escape. Although I repeatedly told my feet to move, they would not budge. They were as cemented to the ground as my mind was to the task.
Ah! Another piece! Ha! Ha! My mind yelped with glee. Three hundred and twenty down, six hundred and eighty to go. I was another step closer to my goal. Maybe now I could get some rest. A sigh of relief had just enough time to escape my parched throat before my muscles tensed in anticipation once again.I really needed to use the bathroom.
Right after I find this next piece...

The Most Expensive Piece of Paper Ever

It's currently 12:20 am. Due to much loss of sleep (play on words, haha) I've recently made the decision not to bother trying. If I can't sleep I'm just going to get up and do something until my eyes burn.
Tonight I could not sleep over school.
I NEED to get my DEGREE!!! NEED!!! Biggest mistake of my life (I admit it, mom) was dropping out. Okay, I take that back (sorry, mom), it really wasn't a mistake. I knew so much less about teaching while I was in school learning to teach. I have learned immensely more in my 2 1/2 years as a TA then in my 4 1/2 years at various universities. This confirms for me that teaching is really more of a trade, and should be treated as such, but whatever. My biggest mistake would be not going back when the opportunity to do so presents itself to me. Like now. I feel a knocking at the door of educational opportunity (there is also a scratching at the window of traveling abroad, but we'll put that on the back burner for now). I have no choice but to postpone my wedding until my father returns from Kuwait (we think Kuwait b/c Aunt Beech has dreamt it, and if I trust anyone's dreams I trust hers). That could be between 1-2 years. Also, I happen to be aware that I could qualify for a Pell Grant if I quit my job and moved in with Chris. It would seem then on paper I would have all these bills, but no income. Okay, I would have all these bills and no income, but not nearly the bills I'd have if I didn't shack up with my fiance. So, I'm thinking maybe in July I will go ahead and move in with Chris. Then quit work and go back to school full time. I can totally hack 6 classes a semester (if they don't have conflicting schedules). I could have my bachelor's within a year and a half! Chris and I would have to seriously scale back on spending, but I think we can handle it. It's my education, after all! Doesn't that mean more? And I've been sooo depressed about this. I go up down on this one. Sometimes I don't think about it much, like I know I'll get around to it. Other times it hits me so hard my lack of degree is all I can think about (exhibit A: I need to wake in 5 1/2 hours). Each time the depression hits, it hits harder. I am going to have a fit if I don't get my degree ASAP. At this point I'd be willing to give up everything, anything, all things just to have my degree. Money? I'll make it when I graduate. Social life? My friends are great, they'll be patient. Marriage? You want to marry me poor or with some financial stability? Am I right? I'm right. Let me know what you think.

Last Journal Entry

Recently I finished the last entry in the first journal I ever kept up for more than a month. Today I bought a new one.
I wanted to share with you my last entry, because I find it is the quintessential me.
And yes, it is attack of the insomnia again (do I even need to mention that?) It is 1:27 am. I have been on this computer for roughly an hour. Tried to sleep, couldn't do it. I tried relaxing, reading, talking, etc. I tried not thinking, but that's just never going to happen, so as usual I was laying in bed starring at Chris, the closet, the ceiling, trying to not to think about the plight of the world, religion, the plight of my religion, etc. Now, I am trying wine. Maui Blanc to be precise. Mmm fermented pineapple. Yummy.
Without further ado, I share with you, my last entry hereto...
"12/20/2004...barely
Of course, I can't sleep.
Chris is, though, or he is trying to, so I am being as quiet as possible...and making as little movement and light as possible.
I cannot sleep for 2 reasons. I'm hoping that by writing in my diary I can temporarily ease the angst of them both just enough to fall asleep for at least a few hours--a powernap, if you will.
First, on a humorous note--Check out my style of writing from my earlier entry and compare it to this expression. Take, for example, the lines 'Christmas at the zoo was beautiful. There were lights everywhere,' versus my more recent paragraph ending with much to much of a run-on sentence (my weakness), 'I'm hoping that by writing in my diary I can temporarily ease the angst...' Is this the same writer? It is certainly not the same speaker. What spark in my brain both empowers my writing and imposes my rest? There is a fear in my heart (and an aching in my eyes) that if I am ever to be an accomplished author I must also be and incurable insomniac. Damn it.
On to my two fears (Chris stirs)--1) On Tuesday I am throwing what will surely be a flop going-away party for Chris and there is so much to do and I am such a ditz. 2) My father is being deployed and may not be allowed to return for my wedding, which will just have to be delayed.
Today's Blessing: Everything which isn't a curse, and that is so, so much more."

Okay, I hope you enjoyed that!
Talk to you again soon!!!!
ps The party was great!

Clone Wars

When they start cloning cockroaches, I'm leaving modern society.

"Something's Gotta Give"

What a wonderful movie. Few movies become better the more often you watch them. Can I be Erica? I like Erica. She's overflows with talent...not just any talent. Erica is an author. I have a secret (shh, don't tell!)...I want to be an author. I don't think I have the talent. But, I'm going to muddle on in my own special way anyhow. Erica is also brilliant. Her strength reaches out to others. She loves in a unconditional way most fail to aspire toward. The characteristic that ties her beauty together is her natural ability for facial expressions. They are honest. I love a person in whom WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). Harry is crazy sexy, too.
Of course, this cinematic epiphany comes about due to another bout of insomnia. Who needs sleep, anyway? Erica certainly doesn't!
"Schmucks are people, too, you know."
Brilliance.
"Well, Doll, I'm doing great. So you don't have to worry about me any more."
L'amoure.
It's 1:42 am. I'm getting tired. That's good. Cold medicine is happy medicine.
Too tired to keep writing, so I'll cut you off for tonight.
"Look who gets to be the girl."

Update On Charismatic sandwich

I am so relieved. The sandwich with the image of Mother Mary was bought by a casino who plans to put it up for an auction of their own to raise money for...for...oh I don't remember, some good cause or another. Remember what I said about aiding famine? Apparently, some kind of good will is indeed the divine plan. Mysterious ways......